This is a REALLY big topic for me to wrap my brain around, so forgive me if I ramble or jump around. There's just so much tumbling around in my cement mixer mind right now.
Ask any of my friends or family, and they'll tell you I've been fixated on Tennessee for quite some time. More specifically the Knoxville area. I couldn't tell you why exactly. Gut. Intuition. Instinct. It's just a feeling that it's where I want to be, that there's something special there. It appears to be the case.
I visited him in Knoxville for the first time this weekend and had the most incredible time. It was a preview of what life would be like to actually moved there. Now it's actually going to happen, and I have so many emotions running through me that I'm not really sure how to deal with it. So many questions, so many fears, concerns, worries. There's a lot of joy and excitement too, like I'm on the verge of something big. Something world-changing.
There seems to be a quiet revolution happening in the Paleosphere. Women, and even men, are shifting away from weight, muscle, body fat percentage, or other physical markers as a "standard" for what Paleowoman should be. There is less emphasis on aesthetics and more on health, and getting REAL about what a healthy female looks like. The results are a little bit surprising, and I have to admit, relieving.
I make no secret that I am, and have been, at war with my body. Some days are better than others. Most of them I live in quiet disapproval of this feature, or that bulge. Occasionally I attempt to beat it into submission, or restrict its rewards for not looking the way I want it to. I'm proud to say those days are becoming fewer and further between. Does that mean I've given up my drive to become fitter, healthier, and more attractive. No. However, I've come to realize that my appearance is not worth the expense of my physical (or mental) health.
Yes... I said "and stuff."
It's been a busy weekend and that's the best title my brain can muster.
So I survived Warrior Dash. I didn't do outstanding, but I did it. I made it start to finish, and completed nearly all of the obstacles. One wall defeated me, and another nearly did, if it weren't for Brian and 2 other helpful gentlemen getting me over the top. If it weren't for them, I might have been one big, walking brush burn.
Really I'm not too bad off, even having forgotten to use my gloves. One small cut on my palm, and a brush burn on one knee. I could have fared much worse certainly.
Truth be told, I was a little embarrassed at the first wall, having not made it to the top on my own and needing that much help to get over. At the second wall I gave it 2 tries, and after the second I knew I didn't have it in me. I was incredibly disappointed in myself and and angry that I couldn't do it. There wasn't a lot of time to wallow in that though, as there was another half dozen obstacles to overcome. I'm still a little angry at myself, but what's done is done.
Now that I am home and recovering, able to process the day... wins and losses tallied... I think I came out ahead.
Sure, I failed at the walls. Two marks down. However... I JUST DID WARRIOR DASH! Seriously, for some people this might not be a big deal, but the old me- the FAT me- never would have dreamed it. She never would have even wanted to try. But I did try, and I did it. That's a victory to me, and I know that I can only do better on the next one.
As proud of myself as I am for that, I have a bigger victory on my mind at the moment. The battle took place not on the obstacle course, but in my head on my drive home. I didn't stop at Subway, or Wegmans, or anywhere else and get food (let alone food that was bad for me) which is what I really wanted. Not needed. Wanted.
Unless you've been there, you can't know how big a deal this is that I didn't reward myself with food (any more than I had at the Dash.) Sure, after the run I had a beer- which never tasted so good- and pulled pork, and chicken, and some granola. I certainly rewarded myself with food then because that's part of the event. You nearly die, then you feast because you're starving.
But this other food reward was different. The food reward I'm talking about now is the one that says, "Wow, you've had quite a day. You worked hard, you're tired, so you deserve a treat for going through all of that, whether you're hungry or not." Really all this voice is, is a mask for emotions- especially ones of sadness or disappointment (for failing the wall.) I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat, even though I really wanted to. I REALLY wanted a treat to make me feel better, to be a band-aid. Had I mastered those walls, I would have used it as an excuse to reward myself with food. That's the brain of a food addict.
Truth be told I still sort of want garbage food, but I keep filling myself with nutritious Primal foods so that I won't feel justified to eat something I shouldn't. My will won't hold out forever, but each healthy choice I make is a small victory.
Being a food addict is hard, because people don't really get it unless they too have a dysfunctional relationship with food. Few people can relate to the screwed up thoughts and feelings a food addict has when it comes to food, eating, or not eating. To us food is more than just fuel, a necessity for happiness that we indulge in or deny ourselves, often with no regard for whether we need it, or we don't. It's not physiological, it's emotional. Food is our thoughts, feelings, emotions, joy, pleasure, terror, master, enemy, friend, comfort, security... life.
The challenge is not to control the food addiction, but to heal from it. I may still slip and fall. In fact I know I will. Healing my relationship with food is not all that different than doing Warrior Dash. There are some really great moments where I feel fearless and strong, capable. There are also moments where I will be weak and the wall will be too hard to climb. I'll give in and take the easy way out, inevitably feeling angry and disappointed in myself, but the only thing I can do is carry on and try to do better at the next obstacle. That's all any of us can do.
Also, I would like to share yet more good news! As part of my fundraising campaign for St Jude, I offered up a $25 Amazon Gift Card. Each $5 donated was one chance to win the gift card. Using RandomPicker.com the winner has been chosen. Congratulations to Steve Gamvroulas, you are the winner! Thank you Steven for your generous donation, and thank you to all of the donors who helped me reach my goal of $500 for St Jude. I'm proud of you all, and very grateful.
Hopefully photos from Warrior Dash to come soon. Stay tuned!
I bonked while running yesterday. It was a terrible run.
I totally hit the wall.
After I bonked I had no choice but to continue walking home. I was hugely disappointed in myself, only accomplishing 3.8 miles instead of the planned 5... or even 4 and a half. Dammit!
Anyways, I was walking home, and when I walk my mind wanders. Naturally, it wandered to Tennessee. I started thinking about Joey, moving, the huge party I want to have at this place when I go...
Typically I don't pay too much attention to the miscellaneous, but there was a gust of wind, I turned my head and I just happened to look to one side. There was a feather.
This wouldn't usually mean much, but I've been finding feathers for a few weeks now. I have quite a collection piling on my mantle. One could say that simply means there are a lot of birds around. I don't believe it's just that "there are a lot of birds."
You see, the last time I kept finding feathers I was living in a different apartment. I was miserable, needing privacy and space, and it wasn't long after that I moved into this apartment.
I believe the gods are saying something.
"It's time to fly."
I believe they're right.
I believe the Universe tells us things, gives clues and signs. We have intuition, gut feelings, and should pay attention to it. I believe we are happiest when we listen to that small, still voice inside, no matter how crazy it makes us seem at the time.
My feeling is that change is in the air.
It's time to fly.
