Another Wickerman is about to begin. The event kicks off Thursday. I pack the car and leave tomorrow.
I've had a lot on my mind lately, and it leaves me wondering just what this year's festivities will hold. It seems each year I learn something new about myself. Each year I change a little. I don't know if it's the place, the people, the atmosphere of the event. Maybe the almost total disconnect from the outside world.
Entering Four Quarters for Wickerman is to enter sacred space, and sacred time. Whether it's intended that way or not, whether the participants see it or not, whether they even approve or not, this is a ritual that we participate in annually. Sacred time, sacred space, ritual clothing, ritual actions. Much of what happens here doesn't exist in the outside world, at any other time of the year.
I've been struggling with myself a lot lately- finances, food, weight... and it all stems from the same place. Bad behavior, rebellion, binging and restricting, excess. I know the proper way to do things, to behave, to be a responsible adult, and yet I cannot seem to bring myself to do these things that I should be doing. I am a master of self sabotage. I know how to screw myself better than anyone on the planet. I catch myself trying to do it (and sometimes succeeding) on a regular basis.
What has happened to me!?
I used to have my shit together. I had my finances in check. I was a fabulous food & exercise Nazi. I was in the zone! Now it's a battle of wits with myself just to not over-spend (coupled with a few kicks from real life money drains), to not over-eat, to not hate my body for what it isn't (fit, thin, slim, non-jiggly.) What happened to me? Why am I rebelling so strong against myself?
Most importantly, how do I stop?
I'm hoping Wickerman this year helps me with this roadblock, even just a little. Can it help me get over my body image issues? I bought body paints to take with me. That means I will have to get myself painted, and in order to get myself painted- and be SEEN (that IS the point after all)- is to be publicly naked... outside of the swimming hole.
I certainly have no chance of fixing this diet issue at Wickerman, with all the boozification going on. Val is a wonderful cook and is providing us with amazing food at least, so I won't be enticed or bombarded by absolute junk all week. At best, I'll drink myself so silly I won't want junk or booze for 6 months. The Gods willing.
Finances... I'm just going to have to buckle down.
So when I return in a week or so, perhaps with some fun and fabulous pictures to share, maybe I'll be a little bit better than I am today. Something's gotta give eventually, because I can't keep going on like this.