The Pebble in My Shoe

Last Friday I attended the first of 2 workshops for my Journaling for Health class. It was an interesting and enlightening 7 hours that really got me thinking about a lot of things. One writing assignment we had was "The Pebble in My Shoe" that got us to all think and write about the thing that is bothering us- like a little stone in your shoe you try to ignore because it's not that painful, but kind of annoying. That little thing that nags at me, just a subtle poke, nudge, pssst... With journaling we were told that sometimes the thing you want to write about least is the thing you should write about most. Looking at my unfinished blog posts I realize this might well be true.

I've decided to blend my journaling course with this blog. The pebble in my shoe- the thing that's been bothering me that I've left neglected is the nitty gritty on the Paleo/Primal lifestyle, my struggles with food and body image, and the hard parts along the way to living a better, healthier lifestyle. My pebble is authenticity. I don't think I'm a liar by any means, but I do tend to omit too much perhaps. The bad days, the struggles, the temptations, the stumbles. Addressing the pebble in my shoe is to tell my story as it is with no sugar coating. Screw sugar. It ain't Primal. Is Primal lifestyle hard? Sure. So why not be hard right back?

I want to help people don't I? I want to teach them to be healthy right? And isn't part of being healthy and happy about being true to yourself? How the hell am I going to do that if I try to wrap everything up in pretty paper and make it look easy when IT AIN'T EASY. Sure, it might be easy for some. Those lucky ones who have never been fat or had low self-esteem. They don't get it. Us fatties and former fatties get it. I sometimes think that being formerly fat is like being a recovering alcoholic. You're always an alcoholic, and I'm always fat. My body may be smaller but I still think like a fat person. Isn't that the reason I was fat in the first place!?

Primal life can be easy at times, but it can also be hard. This is the pebble in my shoe. My (someday) clients are gonna slip, slide and fall off track. I sure as hell have, and still do, so why not lay it out there and just say "Look... this is how it is. These are my struggles. This is what I deal with. You may deal with them too, so trust me. When life isn't easy and you make a mistake, trust me. I understand." To tell somebody I can help them get all healthy and life will be peachy- well that just ain't so. To make them think I did it flawlessly by omitting the bad stuff, well that's no better than lying. They're going to slip and struggle, then feel even worse because they think everyone else is doing it perfectly while they're "failing" and the reality is everybody else is failing too. They just don't know it!

Truth be told, in the Primal and Paleo circles, some of us are broken. Maybe we've got some issues, some dings and dents. I do, and I know my clients will. I really believe absolute healing can only happen with truth- both my healing and theirs. One thing I learned this week is that my Primal lifestyle and my spirituality are intimately linked, so when I neglect one, sooner or later the other will be affected. I've got to nourish them both or I die. I don't want my health nor my spirituality to die.

You're going to find some different posts here, with a different tone. Not that this blog is going to become my personal journal completely, but you'll be seeing a lot more of my inner workings over the next few months. It's a healing process for myself to be absolutely truthful and not leave anything out. That's dangerous, I know. To be exposing my soul to essentially the whole world... that's some heavy stuff. It's an experiment that may very well bite me in the ass, and I know it. My friends, my family, potential romantic partners, everyone in the world will have a window in and there won't be any secrets. Everything in my says "Stop! This is a BAD idea." I'm kind of wondering what my journaling professor thinks of it- if she thinks it's a bad idea too. Probably. But I'm going to try it anyways.

Why would I risk myself like this? I haven't the foggiest clue, other than maybe somebody else out there gets it and understands. Not for my own consolation or comfort, but for theirs maybe?

The Primal 30-Day Challenge starts tomorrow, which I'm hoping is a turning point for me physically, and hopefully this blog will be a turning point for my spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. So let the great experiment begin.