Sometimes life has a way of really getting you down. You think when you can't take any more it throws another one at you. When you think your budget can't take any more stress, there life is, with one more bill. It's times like these when really all you can do is throw your hands up and say "Uncle!"
I've been going through a bit of a rough patch lately. I work a regular daytime job that I'm not sure I can say I
love but I certainly do like it. I like my work, I like the people (for the most part,) my schedule is pretty good and the pay is... adequate. Because the pay is adequate, but not as much as I need, I found myself taking on a second job. I loved it initially, and in many ways I still like it, but I think its season has passed. This leaves me in a somewhat precarious position with debts to pay off and a skin-of-my-teeth budget should I quit. My weight and my emotional wellbeing, however, will continue to be troublesome if I don't quit. It's truly a case of happiness versus money right now.
It's not very often that I really say that I'm "depressed." Right now, I believe I am, and have been for a few weeks. It wasn't until today that I decided to accept it as reality. Not being one who is good at embracing my emotions, this is good practice. So not knowing what to do with myself, I went looking for inspiration and affirmation, turning to my faith (what little there seems to be these days) and knowing that the gods will provide direction and abundance... somehow.
It's time to get my mind right, so after drowning my sadness and fear in a peanutbutter cup sundae for dinner, I made myself some spicy Xocolatl hot chocolate with coconut milk, lit a cozy fire, and went rummaging through my piles and stacks of "stuff." You know, all those papers, books, notebooks and other bits of information that "might be useful someday." In it, I came across the following...
The Wolf Moon
The Full Moon rises in January while the wild winter wind howls. Like the wolves that stalked early villages, it prowls and growls, hungry and hunting, this Moon of deepest winter. Inside gather close to the warmth of hearth and home. Draw a cloak of protection and strength around you, and journey within. Let the darkness of the season shelter your plans and dreams. Inner visions appear, spurring us to plan what we will plant, for ahead lies the fertile cycle. Both in the spirit world and within the earth new life gathers its energies, preparing. Take time for quiet contemplation of what is to come. Focus on preparation and protection int eh privacy of loved ones, for strength grows in the quiet time as we are readied for the season ahead. -Dallas Jennifer Cobb
It may be no coincidence that my mother saw a very large wolf just the other day. I find that certain animal omens tend to show themselves in important times. Wolves aren't terribly abundant in this part of New York State, so seeing one, and a rather large one at that, is significant I would think. Being unfamiliar with animal signs and totems generally, I turned to Google. With it I found:
According to Celtic tradition, Wolf represents learning, loyalty, intuition, loyalty and the shadow. He teaches people not to feel strength and power of self when alone and to learn about the deepest self by imparting spiritual assistance and courage. Wolf also symbolizes cunning, wisdom, searching, dreams, magick, intuition, transformation, death and rebirth, intuition and protection.
Native Americans believe that Wolf is teacher and pathfinder to find new ideas and teach them to the tribe. He imparts a sense of family and loyalty, Moon is the power ally which helps Wolf to access the subconscious that has the secrets of knowledge and wisdom. Wolf tells people to seek out solitude to find the teacher within the self so they can teach others about spirituality. He helps people to learn to trust insights when they learn to value the inner voice. Some Native American tribes, African Dogon tribe and the Aborigines of Australia believe Wolf is allied with Sirius, the Dog Star. A number of these believe the teachers and ancestors came from there.
People have study Wolf’s ways. He is a communal animal and teaches people to learn to cooperate in attaining those ends which are desired. Wolf helps people to learn to use body language as well as their voice in communicating these. Rituals are important to Wolf . People can learn from this to enable them in getting in touch with the Source of Life. (Source.)
So maybe that is something to think on and ponder. Personally, I relate much more to the coyote than the wolf. In fact I've always had something of an aversion to the wolf spirit, but who knows... the gods have a funny way of making a point. With the Wolf Moon just a week away, now is a good time to get prepared for whatever magic may be in order that night. I'll admit, that's another department I've unfortunately been slacking in. One could say my mundane life is suffering because my spiritual life is not being fed. One could be right.
And with my little umm... sugary indiscretion earlier this evening, and my overall indulgence throughout the evening, I feel tonight is a good night to wallow and tomorrow is a good day to start fresh and new. I am practicing expressing my true emotions rather than how I "should" feel, embracing the reality rather than the ideal. So with that, I am depressed, disappointed, discouraged and afraid, and I'm not ashamed to say so. I know my situation is nothing compared to those suffering in Haiti and around the world, but it IS the reality of my world and while it could be worse, it most certainly could be better.
Here's to a night of not caring about tomorrow, and to a tomorrow of not caring about tonight. Thanks for reading.
